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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25250251">i'm trying hard (but i can't win)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/murdermusicandmagic/pseuds/murdermusicandmagic'>murdermusicandmagic</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Pitch Perfect (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Based on a song, Bechloe Week, F/F</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:21:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,764</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25250251</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/murdermusicandmagic/pseuds/murdermusicandmagic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Beca still isn't sure how the happiness of that night under the strawberry moon turned into shouting and crying and not talking and then, last of all, the haunting finality of their shared apartment door slamming behind Chloe as she left.</p><p>Now, the summer is gone and Beca is alone.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i'm trying hard (but i can't win)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Submission for Bechloe Week Day 3: Drunk Texts</p><p>Based on the song "Like a River Runs" by Bleachers</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> And if you see me in the darkness </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I hope you know I'm not alone </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I carry you with every breath I take </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I won't let up, I won't let up </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Until the wind is gone </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>___________________________</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>"You're pretty." Chloe was too busy staring at Beca to notice the table in front of her, and she ran straight into it. "Ouch."</p><p>"No, <em> you're </em> blurry," Beca shot back at her, reaching out a hand. Chloe took it, giggling.</p><p>"I said pretty, silly." Beca was glad that the soft red glow of the bar hid the blush forming on her cheeks. She'd been dating Chloe for months now, and the woman could still give her butterflies as if she were a teenager.</p><p>Beca pushed open the door and politely held it for Chloe before completely ruining the illusion of chivalry by tripping down the steps and just barely landing on her feet on the sidewalk. Chloe followed her much more gracefully, slipping her hand into Beca's as she craned her neck to look up at the sky.</p><p>"Look, Becs, it’s a full moon!" she gasped. Beca shook her head.</p><p>"I can't even walk in a straight line, no way am I looking up." She did anyway, and stopped in her tracks, tugging Chloe to a stop with her. "Wow. That's big."</p><p>They stood for a while in the middle of the sidewalk, enthralled. A cool breeze rushed past them, an anomaly in the warm summer night, and Beca tightened her grip on Chloe's hand.</p><p>"Beca?" At the sound of her name, Beca tore her eyes away from the sky and looked over at Chloe, who had twisted around and was looking behind them. "The apartment's that way."</p><p>Beca followed her gaze. "It is," she agreed finally. </p><p>"What would you do without me?" Chloe teased as they started walking in the opposite direction. Beca laughed and shook her head.</p><p>"I would be lost without you, Chloe Beale." </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>___________________________</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Beca still isn't sure how the happiness of that night under the strawberry moon turned into shouting and crying and not talking and then, last of all, the haunting finality of their shared apartment door slamming behind Chloe as she left. Countless texts sent from Beca's phone followed her out the door, fueled by a leftover bottle of wine - Chloe's favorite - and Beca's stubborn refusal to believe that she'd been left behind. </p><p>Each text went unanswered until finally, Beca gave up.  </p><p>Now, the summer is gone and Beca is alone, surrounded by nothing but empty bottles and the memories of what she'd once had. Despite the fact that she doesn't quite know where she went wrong, she wishes she could go back and fix it. She doesn't know where Chloe is, doesn't know whose couch she chose to crash on, and doesn't ask. None of their friends volunteer the information, either. In fact, none of them even reach out to her. Beca takes that as a sign that they've chosen Chloe's side, and so she gives up on them just like she gave up on Chloe.</p><p>Giving up and moving on are two very different things, however.</p><p>Beca wakes up every morning in a bed chilled by Chloe's absence, yet every morning she opens her eyes expecting to see soft red curls on the pillow next to her where in fact there are none. She expects to smell coffee brewing in the morning, and to hear the sounds of frying bacon and the news on TV. She expects everything except for the empty hole that Chloe left behind, but every morning, she remembers. Every morning, she gets out of bed to put on the coffee pot herself, her hands shaking from sadness, lack of sleep, and something else.</p><p>Regret.</p><p>
  <strong>___________________________</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Beca sees Chloe standing on the corner one day. </p><p>It happens completely by accident. She hadn't planned on leaving the apartment that day, but her stomach is empty and so is her fridge, so she forces herself to get dressed and go to the bodega on the corner for a sandwich. </p><p>Once outside, Beca hunches her shoulders against the chilly fall weather, stuffs her hands in her coat pockets, and sets off at a quick pace, eager to get to the warmth of the bodega.</p><p>A family is leaving the bodega as Beca arrives. The father is in the process of ushering his several small children out the door, and Beca glances around while she waits in order to avoid the possibility of having to hold a conversation. Her eyes fall on bright red hair across the intersection, and her heart drops. </p><p>Chloe is standing on the corner that's diagonal from Beca, alternating between looking at her phone and glancing impatiently at the blinking crosswalk signal above her head. She has earbuds in, and even from all the way across the intersection, Beca can see her nodding her head along with the music. The movement is so familiar that for one crazy moment, Beca is overwhelmed by the feeling that maybe, just maybe, it really was all just a dream. She wants nothing more than to run across the crowded intersection, straight into Chloe's arms, and be reassured that everything will be okay, but she knows that she can't. She knows she will never replace what she lost that night when Chloe left.</p><p>The crosswalk signal flashes green above Chloe's head, and Beca watches her step into the street, coming closer and closer until they're separated by only one street instead of the entire intersection. Beca wonders exactly how many steps it would take for her feet to carry her across the street and fall into step with Chloe. She doesn't find out.</p><p>Instead, she watches Chloe walk down the block away from her, keeping an eye on her telltale red hair until she turns a corner and disappears from view.</p><p>Beca shivers and steps into the white light of the bodega.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>___________________________</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Beca tries not to open her eyes, instead choosing to cling to the rapidly fading memory of her latest dream. It was about Chloe.</p><p>They're all about Chloe.</p><p>Eventually, Beca gives in and opens her eyes, sighing. She sits up in the dark, wincing when her head begins to throb. She remembers seeing Chloe outside the bodega, drinking most of the beer that she bought while she was inside the bodega, and not much else after that. Yawning, Beca pushes aside her covers and climbs out of bed, turning on a lamp as she passes it.</p><p>She pours herself a glass of water and turns on the TV in an effort to lull herself back to sleep, but it doesn't work. She's too restless. She grabs her coat and the last remaining beer bottle and then she's out the door.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>___________________________</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Beca has always found peace in rhythms. Music is built on them, after all, and music is what she does best. The gentle beat of her shoes against the concrete is perhaps the most calming rhythm of them all, she thinks as she wanders through the city. She's drinking as she goes, and she <em> knows </em>she shouldn't, but she can't help herself. She's thinking about Chloe while she walks, and that never bodes well for her judgment.</p><p>Beca hates herself for how she's handling this. She knows that Chloe isn't coming back, but somehow she's living her life in denial. It's a ridiculous cliche, but for Beca, it's always been Chloe. She barely even remembers what her life was like before Chloe was in it, and absolutely everything reminds Beca of the light that Chloe brought to her darkness. She can't imagine wanting anyone or anything else.</p><p>She doesn't know what her destination is until she gets there, but she likes where she ends up. As bridges go, this one is very nice. It's small enough that Beca could easily cross it if she wanted to, but it's big enough to give her an incredible view of the city. Beca likes it.</p><p>She sets her empty beer bottle down and climbs onto the concrete wall that separates her from a long fall. Again, a bad idea on her part, but she's not really thinking things through.</p><p>Beca puts her hands on her hips and surveys the city thoughtfully. She relishes the feeling of her heart beating in her chest. It's another perfect rhythm, made all the more beautiful because somewhere in the city, Chloe has one just like it. It makes Beca feel almost close to her even though she's likely miles away, and she can imagine her here-</p><p>"Beca?"</p><p>Chloe is standing on the sidewalk behind her. Beca is glad she's drunk, because sober Beca definitely would have fallen off the bridge from Chloe's presence alone.</p><p>"Hi, Chloe," Beca says cheerfully. "What are you doing here?"</p><p>Chloe looks incredulous. "You texted me, Beca." Beca wrinkles her nose.</p><p>"I didn't text you."</p><p>"Yes, you did. Please get down from there, you're making me nervous." Beca grins, hopping down on the sidewalk in front of Chloe. </p><p>"I'm making you nervous? Ooh, that means you care," she teases, but Chloe shakes her head.</p><p>"No. You don't get to do that."</p><p>"I'm not doing anything-" Beca begins, but Chloe talks over her.</p><p>"You scared me, Beca! You texted something about the light to your darkness and you were going to the bridge, and I thought-" Her voice cracks, and she is quiet for a second. "I walked out on a date for you, Beca."</p><p>That wipes the smirk right off of Beca's face.</p><p>"You walked out on me first, Chloe." Beca practically spits Chloe's name at her.</p><p>"You always do this! You <em> always </em> play the victim." Chloe holds up a finger to keep Beca from interrupting her. "You do, and you've been doing it for the longest time. Not everything is about you!"</p><p>"That's so unfair!" Beca is shouting now. "Do you know how hard this has been for me?"</p><p>"You're not the only one who's hurting, Beca," Chloe says softly.</p><p>Beca doesn't answer. She doesn't know what she would say if she did. Chloe looks up at the night sky, avoiding Beca's eyes.</p><p>"I can't do this again with you," she says finally, looking back down at Beca. "I have to go."</p><p>"Chloe, wait-"</p><p>"Goodbye, Beca."</p><p>Beca watches her leave, leaning against the concrete and bitterly reflecting on the cruel irony that after not seeing her for weeks, she's watched Chloe walk away from her twice in one day. She sighs and looks up at the sky, immediately seeing what got Chloe's attention.</p><p>The moon is full.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi! i know this is super short but this is my first time participating in bechloe week so i hope you found what you were looking for here!<br/>i'm @murdermusicandmagic on tumblr</p></blockquote></div></div>
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